By the time you get this message, I'll be in the dead zone. It came a little sooner than we thought, but this means you won't be able to send a message back. So, I just wanted to let you know that I don't need the message because I know everything you wanna say. Just remember it takes eight minutes for light to travel from sun to Earth, which means you'll know we succeeded about eight minutes after we deliver the payload. All you have to is look out for a little extra brightness in the sky. So if you wake up one morning and it's a particularly beautiful day, you'll know we made it. Okay, I'm signing out and I'll see you in a couple years.

I slept for 4 and a half hours last night.I'm losing my girlfriend/best friend, and control over pretty much everything.

I love you. I never stop thinking about you. I'm 2000 miles away from you and all I do is think about you. Love is scary.

I finally have enough money / hours at work to move out of my friends house and I get denied a apartment due to bad credit from a credit card when I was 20. This stupid 1000 dollar debt to usBank is killing me. I talked to my current bank about taking a loan out to pay them off but after I told them I don't have any collateral they won't even return my calls. I wish US bank would fold.
I wish I was stronger. I could do so much more with my life but I don't. I'm just fucking lazy and I it's like my only motivation is to make the bare minimum.

I wanna punch myself in the face.

I could write this whole long blog right now about how much I am hating life at the moment. It would be so easy. But that hasn't been doing shit for me lately so... I'm going to try the opposite and write about all the things that have been making me happy right now.

Riding the light rail every day makes me feel like I live in a city.
I'm playing guitar in a band again. We practice Friday and our drummer is named Johnny.
I have been drinking/smoking way less. On nights I choose not to drink I have digital cable to keep me company.
I read Zombie Survival Guide in one day.
I have World War Z to read next.
I can always count on fun weekends with Andy, Will, Jen, and Judd.
I'm still here.

I have the whole next week off from work due to a slowing holiday season.
I think I might go to Chicago with Will to look for a new job.
My head hurt so bad yesterday my eyes where actually watering.

I'm so fucking sick of everything and everybody right now.

Tricia bailed on Will's birthday party tonight. Fine what ever.
My roommate Chad got inheritance check for 10 grand last week.( one out of 280,000 dollars to be exact)

I have 9 dollars in the bank. I figured out that I am paying him at least 450 dollars a month right now after rent and food. I live in the basement and don't have a fucking bed. fuck! fuck! fuck.! What am I doing? I'm 25 fucking years old! Why don't I have my shit together?

My ex girlfriend keeps calling me and telling me she is moving to Portland like its a threat. Good for you. Just go already.

I fucking hate paying rent to someone that has a trust fund. You sit at home all day smoking pot, playing x box, eating my food, mean while I have 100 dollars to last me till christmas eve. I fucking hate being poor. I fucking hate republicans. 3 of my friends are republicans (Including my trust fund land lord) and they are doing fine in this recession only cause they are fucking selfish. Two of them have rich parents and the other makes money as a debt collector. I don't know I might be a little jealous? It's been so long since I had money...

I went to Colorado springs last night to see Tricia. We had dinner, watched weird crime shows, and played with her cat Oreo. At the end of the night I kissed her on the stairs outside her house and told her how much I missed her. I have wanted to do that for 8 months. She said it brightened her whole week which made me smile. So things are not all bad.

Tomorrow I start the search for a studio/one bedroom/room in denver. After a year and a half of living with roommates I will return to living by myself. I talked to Cody today and he was actually in agreement that we should get our own places, which was cool. I feel bad cause he has an eviction on his credit and I think that is why he was pushing for a two bedroom instead of going out on his own. I wish him the best and will still grab drinks at sputnik and gabors and god knows what else with him when ever we can.

I have been talking to Tricia alot lately. It's strange cause it seems every winter we seem to fall in love with each other only to have it spoiled by the snow and our own schedules. I wish she lived in Denver and not Colorado springs. It is amazing how much 60 miles makes a difference. She is sweet and nice and amazing and so independent and she never complains and she smart and well the list goes on so I won't bore you.

I Like my job but I don't know how much it's going to last. I realized today that I am Holiday and I might not have a job come mid January. I knew this going into it so I might just have to start the job search again like right now. I like the gap but I have to say this will be my last retail job. My mom is always offering my jobs but I would hate to be that guy at the office.

My two current roommates right now are scaring the shit out of me on the fact that they have not left the couch in two days, They Have smoked more pot then a kid in the 10th grade who hates their parents and one of them has been in the same bathrobe for that period. I worked 6 days in a row this week, It kinda pisses me off to see that. On top of that they smoked all my cigarettes ( which is another reason to quit) and then asked me what is the weather like outside when we promised we would smoke out side which both of them have not done. The one roommate that owns the house has a really nice house and I hate to see it soiled as it is. It's like my old house and I hate it. It's not a party if it happens every night.

I heard a song by the band Thursday today. (I admit when I was 18 I was all about these cats.) Strange twist it was fucking awesome song. Maybe I shouldn't be so quick to burn my bridges with old bands??

I have had this copy of this movie. It's called In Bruges. I saw it in the theaters earlier this year ( January to be exact). I loved it so much that I made a promise to myself that when I bought it on DVD (in July) I would not watch it till I had my own place again to watch it in. I am starting to wonder if I will make that goal by the end of 2008. How do you tell someone you don't want to live with them and you just want to be by yourself?

I have never felt so out of place. I hate having nightmares about my job and the place I live.

We had a four hour store meeting that made me want to cut my wrists and bleed all over piles of one hundred dollar clothing while laughing and screaming this is so fucking pointless. Don't call me a part time employee if you expect me to work 9 & half hour days.

I went out for drinks with Will and Andy tonight and just for a bit it felt like old times. But only for a minute. We talked and laughed about music and girls. Hell Andy smoked a cigarette for the first time in months. It felt great. Like we're a band again, Hell bent on our music and couldn't give a fuck about anything else. But as quick as the moment came it was gone. Andy and Will's girlfriends arrived and we started talking politics and work drama and things that only couples talk about. I quickly felt like a fifth wheel. It ended and I feel mad... I hope I feel better at the wetlands show tomorrow.

I don't know how I got here. I really don't. I thought I did everything I was suppose to do but apparently I didn't. I hate my life here. I'm at a house I don't want to be at, I'm broke as shit, I hate my job so much. I"m trying to change things but it's hard. I want to move far away from here. I want to change my phone number and tell nobody about it. I want to meet a girl that I actually can care about. fuck I can't remember the last time I actually felt something for someone. I want to cut my hair. I wanna change.

I want this house so bad, please what ever is out there get me this house!! PLEASE.

Boo.

I yelled at a guy today for parking in a handicap space. He did have a pass(Which was not displayed!) but he could walk just fine. He walked around my store just fine for 20 minutes. I mentioned that maybe someone that couldn't walk might need that space. He quickly replied with some bull shit about being a vet. But needless to say it was selfish on his part. Fucker could walk just fine. I never thought I would yell at a War vet but here we are.

Crystal Castles is in less then a week. Super fucking excited.

My store is switching hours. No more working to twelve. a little less money but I 'll be able to go see people after I get off.

Typed up the old resume.
I applied for three new jobs today. I'm going to apply for 3 a day till I find something.
I also looked for a new house and found three. I'm trying to change things for the better.
I wanna feel better.

Once, while falling into approvals tricky arms
I saw esteem's corpse
Deafened by allure's sweet, sweet song
On stygian shores
Affixed like I'm under a spell (1x darling)
That ain't even like myself
No - things are going to change
That starts today
It seems just yesterday I ate it up
Your yarns were dipped in gold
I swallowed them whole
The real tragedy is that your act is just boring and old
Back and forth with this disdain (1x darling)
That ain't even why I came (2x darling)
And when I scream
You want me crawling on my knees
I guess these days I'm someone else (hold it x3)
I'm better off all by myself
These days I'm just somebody else

I talked to Karla last night about maybe a new job at the starz film center. I am pumped cause I would be working with Awesome Karla And Mr ricardo baca. We'll see.

I have worked off an on at Cheapo Discs for 6 fucking years now. Yesterday my boss accused me of stealing a lousy 300 dollar deposit. I'm pretty fucking pissed at her and the owner and the store right now. Her and the owner deemed that If I can't "find it" I have to pay it. I have never missed a deposit. Like never. I know its a book keeping error that they are dumping on me. I may do a lot of stupid things at my job but why the fuck would I be stupid enough to just take a deposit?? FUCK CHEAPO.

I might have to leave this job and it couldn't have come at a worse time. I have to move in 7 weeks. I have no money and no place to live. this is not good.